me, me, me... yeah, yeah, yeah...

with every weblogging i find myself hesitant to talk about myself. i have to keep reminding myself that even when we think we're talking about things outside of ourselves we are still talking about ourselves. that is: what we experience. we do not have experience without ourselves. our self is what gives us the ability to witness and interpret everything. if we deny this we cut ourselves off from further opportunities to learn. (TADA! JUSTIFIED.)
with this in mind i will share something that i rarely do. something i usually hide until questioned: artistic intent. specifically a new musical direction for myself.
soon after some recent recording sessions with Seth i decided to challenge myself to take a large step onto a different personal path. usually i find myself writing songs that are (musically) quite simple, somber, and (lyrically) all too literal. i have long enjoyed listening to this kind of music (apart from my own lyrics which i am rarely happy with), but have grown weary of what feels to be a wallowing in my own filth. for almost a year now i have had the urge to make music that is faster, louder, a little bit more disjointed, and perhaps teetering on the edge of insanity (or maybe just over-the-top silly... in a slightly obscure way).
the very same day (valentine's) that i made the decision to chase this illusive idea down this new avenue... little melodies, chord progressions, and lyrics began to FALL OUT OF ME... and have continued to do so since then. multiple songs are starting to form and new internal personalities/characters are starting to contribute their two cents to the content and melodic styles.
i'm kinda beside myself. i don't remember EVER being this [musically] productive on my own. i still feel like i need Joel... (i always feel like i need Joel)... especially because he has been a major part of the inspiration in taking on this endeavor (along with being present at one of the very beginnings of a song; currently with the working title: "runnin nothin"). i'm still not lyrically satisfied... yet more satisfied than i ever have been previously. i find the lyrics making very little literal sense... but a great deal more poetic than songs passed.
i never know how songs will be received by listeners... and it is important to me that at least a few people do enjoy their experience of music that i've assembled (though i always prefer honest reactions and blunt critiques)... but most importantly i want to enjoy the process of making those compositions/recordings. ideally i would be able to enjoy them after the they're "finished". more ideally: as if someone else made them and i was hearing them for the first time.
yeah. i'm aware. without amnesia or severe dementia this is pretty much impossible.
additionally: recording parts for Joel's new record (to be released on djangokill records!) is a crap-ton of fun. though i can't wait 'til all this theoretical internet collaboration is done and we can sit down together and finish it.
now i'll stop rambling.

(constant fear of judgment) ego/anti-ego.

i'm constantly worried that i might be pissing off SOMEbody. my brilliant solution to this is to just keep to myself. this unfortunately leads to a heightened susceptibility to my potential depressive state.
having just typed this i realize i can't really continue to discuss this subject in such a public manor (due to the possibility of being seen as exploitive or self-pitying... [fear of judgment?]).
but in the same vein:
i had to leave town late wednesday nite. it was a matter of self-preservation. i'm feeling much better now and am hoping to return home being just as creatively productive as i had been before i left. but at the same time i hope that i can be with people (outside of settings which require money to be spent) and maintain a positive self-image; i.e. assume everyone is not tired of me/annoyed by me/thinking about me.
(though i always prefer the truth)
CHECK OUT THAT DOUBT! it's constant.
but seriously (for future reference)... tell me if you find me shitty. because i have nothing but good intentions... i just have very few skills in emotional management.

(non-emotional) desperation.

i'm pretty sure the only way to get a job in this town is "to know someone". if anybody hears of ANY employment opportunity, PLEASE let me know. the classifieds are barren.

i know this is not the typical use for weblogs or even the appropriate forum, but... see post title.

nothing.

once again i'm questioning everything.
i'm only entirely sure about one thing (and those who know me know what that is... but i'm almost certain people are sick of hearing me talk about it).

i don't know what i'm doing here. it's like i'm just biding time. and i don't know how to be with myself.
it's this kind of mood that makes me burn journals and delete online personal information.
i'm retreating into an imaginary hole. i'm about to run. but i have nowhere to run and no means to do it.
i don't know how to be with myself.
i want to be with people. but i feel like i wear out my welcome so easily... and seemingly so quickly. and who wants to be with someone who feels so damaged so often?
i keep sucking it up. it's getting fucking old. if this is the rest of life, i'm done.
i'm questioning everything.
and i don't know how to be with myself.

to physically intuit... or a ramble in search thereof.

i have several fantasies. one of these is that one day i will no longer take my intuition for granted. when i pay attention, it consistently astounds me. specifically my ability to recognize goodness in people. initially this could be misinterpreted as a horribly judgmental practice... until you live with the results of paying attention to what your insides are telling you. something is built-in. and it functions accurately. much like the smell of another person. some physical chemistries between people JUST WORK. for me it's horribly apparent when they don't. when i ignore this basic instinctual safe-guard, it inevitably results in a negative outcome. it is THERE. and it's there for a very basic evolutionary reason concerning the procreation of the species... which i will take no part in, but nonetheless. the body speaks to us. granted, short-circuits occur and there are flaws built-in (and by this i mean propensities that would cause the brain to literally self-destruct). but consistent, long-term signs should not be ignored. chemistry... taste... smell... some people just smell like home. even the "worst" smells that their body produces are comforting. when morning-breath is comforting... you're onto something... but more than that... if it ISN'T comforting... RUN... tactfully and taking into account the essential value of that person on this planet... run. not saying that this is a guideline for anyone but myself. but a beautiful woman reminded me today that i've had the privilege of experiencing more love in my short life than most people could hope to experience in many lifetimes. another beautiful woman reminded me once that not only am in love with two of the most amazing people on planet... but they love me. a mixture of intuition and instinct brought me to this point in my life. i hope one day i will have the faith in myself to act upon both of these blessings more readily. there is a difference between instinct and intuition... but for me the line is very blurry.