HEY! YOU (that's me). uuuhhhh... TITLE.

a reminder:
this page is called "reminders".

a new rule: i am no longer allowed to remind myself of negative subject matter without finalizing it with a positive direction.
[not saying that previous posts haven't been just that, but i thought i should be more decisive in the definition of my intent]

like the words i have had permanently embedded in my skin, this digital domain should be one more place that i look to for positivity. i have too much darkness within that needs to be expelled and forgotten. there is no need to be reminded of it (without the intention of historical documentation in order to curtail future mistakes of the same nature/pattern)... because there is always plenty more to come. the best way i've found to combat this is with constant reminders of the positive mindset that i have come to realize as the only helpful resistance tactic.
this of course is all ignoring the underlying understanding of the necessities of the negative so that the positive can exist, and all that taoist blahgedyblairgh. that's a conversation... not a monologue.
but YEAH. no more bitching.
haven.
reminders.
PIECE.

wow.

wow.
life is continuously stupefying and amazing. everything seems to be spinning more and more out of control. maybe if i were a surfer or a cyclist i could make up some badass analogy of this situation. my brain is so out-of-sorts... i can't seem to keep up with anything. i'm back to feeling like it's all just a big waiting game... and this is no way to live. don't get me wrong... in the face of all this uncertainty and potential for horrible, rotten nastiness i'm still holding on to a great deal of optimism. i'm pretty sure of a few things:
- i don't know how to keep my emotions in check without my support network.
- missing another boone summer could be highly detrimental to the future of my emotional well-being.
- working on joel's album is the only immediate progress i can make in the pursuit of furthering any continued opportunities to produce the type of art i want to be making for the rest of my life.

there's where i am.
not too much doom and gloom. just some huge questions.

more light, please.

unfortunately i am currently harboring quite a bit of bitterness. this is counterproductive in the pursuit of a better emotional state. most of the bitterness is being projected onto people who i believe dislike me for many reasons. i don't think these reasons are justified or even valid... but i also have no real proof (other than my intuition) that they currently dislike me at all.
i am also bitter about my current state of self-preservation (myself being almost entirely at fault)... and really feel like a complete failure in that sense.

as an update to the previous post:
i have become very dissatisfied with all the music i have been working on. i am unable to be my own muse/sounding board. i still need joel. i would probably also feel better about my productivity if i would just focus my work on joel's album. though i haven't finished a demo (or even been happy with the songs i've written) in about a year now... so i'm starting to get a little selfish. but as always i am unable to play or record (things that are above barely audible decibel levels) in front of/around people. this means no vocals, acoustics, amps, horns, or percussion. (which only leaves direct electric guitars, direct bass, and midi instruments.) so i wait the majority of the day (including this current moment) for people to leave the house. something about this equation has to be changed. unfortunately it is still unsafe for me to live alone.

i am in a really dark place right now. fortunately i can still see some light.
such as:
derek is playing guitar and singing out in the sunshine. i can see him (and slightly hear him) through the window in front of me. it is beautiful.