more light, please.

unfortunately i am currently harboring quite a bit of bitterness. this is counterproductive in the pursuit of a better emotional state. most of the bitterness is being projected onto people who i believe dislike me for many reasons. i don't think these reasons are justified or even valid... but i also have no real proof (other than my intuition) that they currently dislike me at all.
i am also bitter about my current state of self-preservation (myself being almost entirely at fault)... and really feel like a complete failure in that sense.

as an update to the previous post:
i have become very dissatisfied with all the music i have been working on. i am unable to be my own muse/sounding board. i still need joel. i would probably also feel better about my productivity if i would just focus my work on joel's album. though i haven't finished a demo (or even been happy with the songs i've written) in about a year now... so i'm starting to get a little selfish. but as always i am unable to play or record (things that are above barely audible decibel levels) in front of/around people. this means no vocals, acoustics, amps, horns, or percussion. (which only leaves direct electric guitars, direct bass, and midi instruments.) so i wait the majority of the day (including this current moment) for people to leave the house. something about this equation has to be changed. unfortunately it is still unsafe for me to live alone.

i am in a really dark place right now. fortunately i can still see some light.
such as:
derek is playing guitar and singing out in the sunshine. i can see him (and slightly hear him) through the window in front of me. it is beautiful.